FAKING MYSELF

i was never really a happy person but i can't refrain from faking everything up; pretending everything's fine even if it's not. pretending the ambiance is happy, even if it's not. pretending i have money, even if i don't have even a peso, pretending i'm not hungry even if i am. pretending i have many friends, even if i don't have. i am a very pretentious person.

and yes, i have a major depression disorder. my mother didn't actually want me while i was still in her tummy because it was i guess Marcos time and my father got caught by the military and was sentenced to death because he was a media men but thank God it didn't happen.

i absorbed my mama's anxiety, depression, hatred and everything.

i started having depression disorder since i was in elementary. i am not close to my mama, to think i'm the only girl in the family. there's something between us. a big big wall. a HUGE HUGE HUGE wall.

my high school days was fine, it's just that i lived with my aunt in Surigao City. she treated me like her own daughter but something came up and the family decided to have my 4th year in high school in Davao City. my mama really is depressive sometimes. i don't hate her. never! she's my mother. it's just that we don't get along together well. there's a gap.

collegiate. i was with my papa in manila. my depression got worst. i wanted to be a psychologist but they wanted me to be a teacher. so i enrolled education that time. i wasn't really happy. so i became rebellious, i go home late knowing Manila isn't really a safe city. 

one symptom of having depression is  isolation. i do isolate myself from other people. piano is my bestfriend. i love music and my papa knew that. i can stay whole day alone inside my room with my piano. 

parents wants their children happy always, so when they saw me that time unhappy with what i'm doing, they allowed me to change course and since there's no BS Psychology at my school, I chose AB Music and that made me contented with life.

i am a lucky person, i am thankful that i have a family who can give me my needs and wants but i have an obsession of hurting them sometimes. i love doing things my own, deciding on my own, i love being myself and when everything fucks up, i run to them.

but i'm still unlucky... i was born confused, lost and uncontrollable. i can't understand myself. i don't know what i want, what i need. i feel helpless, i feel like i don't belong, i just wanted to end everything. if only i could turn back time, i would not have entertained negativism but it's too late and it's worst now. 

i had professional help before and she gave me anti depressant pills, but i guess it just made me worst. 

anti depressant pills really would make a person feel happy even if there's no reason for you to be happy. you just feel like happy and of course...always sleepy. hahah! just don't take it with alcohol because you'll hallucinate and see bush like a demons. hahaha!

 i really wanted to die but, i'm diverting myself now with blogging, i don't want to do foolishness as much as possible. God is with me.

still struggling, battling with depression.

i know someday i'll get tired of my everyday battle. 

as my friend Marso said, "you lost the war, don't lose the battle" .. i'll try..

but i'll fight the battle with white flag in my hand cause i know, sooner or later i'll wave it.